Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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