The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
