omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
