Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
false alarm. still invincible.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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