her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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