Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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