i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
