So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
