I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
