we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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