I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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