This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
