I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
