his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
