Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
