Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
FUCK WHALES
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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