I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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