Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
