My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
there is glitter all over my balls
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
