You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
