I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
