The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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