i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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