it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
