I feel like abortions should bother me more
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
