Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
