Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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