I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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