I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
