we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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