I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
