I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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