i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
