Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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