Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
