Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
