I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
