After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
