i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You made out with two different species that night
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
