my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
