The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
