I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
