there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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