My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
