saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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