Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
