There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
