PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
