Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
