we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
